


Are You Drifting Through the Doubt?

by Alex_Lyra



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Lyra/pseuds/Alex_Lyra
Summary: Gabriel gets hurt in battle. Sam is upset.
Relationships: Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to the song, "Are You With Me?" by nilu. It'll add onto the story as you read it.

A steadily increasing burn surged through his stomach.

His body an earthquake.

Hands covered in paint, his own paint, mine, help me, please someone help me.

Screams getting louder and louder, suddenly the world spins fast, too fast and he's upside down, how?

"Gabe, no, no , no, please, no, no, stay awake, okay? Wake up, wake up, now. Stay with me!" A voice cried and the body on floor felt lifted and warm.

So warm, so comfortable, comfortable enough to sleep, sleep, finally, I need to sleep.

Chills danced on his body, coming in waves, why is it getting hard to see, what's happening to me?

"Dammit! You can't leave me here, you can't, you, you... You can't! You asshole, wake the hell up!" The voice getting louder and harsher, gasping loudly and sobbing.

Why are they crying, what's happening, why can't I move, I need to help them, why, what, why?

"I need you, baby.. Please, please, please, come back. Stay with me, I-... I need you..." The voice sobbed, warm tears over the face in the voice's arms.

"Get off me! We can't, we can't just leave him, we can't...!" The younger screamed suddenly and a crunch of another set off footsteps was faintly heard. 

~With that, sleep befell the now still body.~

His eyes opened and there was no more pain, no scars, not even a little cut. He stood up, dressed in fresh white. Looking around, seeing nothing but black. Racing around, he looked fro something, anything, in the silence and darkness.

"Sammy? Dean-o? Cassie! Anyone? Please!" Gabe could hear the echo of his own voice, the loneliness screaming back at him. He turned and saw a clear window, a window into the world, the world he was in, his world. Gazing through, he stared and stared and stared. He saw his vessel, the vessel he lived in, the one he was loved in, being held and shaken and being cried over. He saw the older Winchester holding back a tear and pacing behind his younger brother, who was screaming and crying, crying non-stop, endless. 

Sammy.

Gabe gasped and screamed, pounding on the window. Pounding until his knuckles bled, until his throat was hoarse, until the silence mocked his cries, until the awful taste of hopelessness set in his mouth, stinging like ethanol and iron. Kneeling, he cried, he cried until his head pounded, cried until he couldn't anymore. 

"Sammy.. No, no, no, I am so sorry, sorry, sorry, no, please, God, no!" Head in his knees, screamed and hit his fists on the floor again, louder and louder. He felt cold again, so cold, so empty, and so very tired. As he lay on the floor, his eyes drifting, he began to think. 

The Mystery Spot. Put him through Hell, made him suffer, now he's lost someone he's loved twice now, twice. How he ever forgave me for that, I have no idea and I will always be forever grateful. 

I had no right with him, I should never have stood a chance with Sam fucking Winchester.. I didn't belong with him, would have tarnished him, would have ruined him.. but I need him. He needed me. The light to my darkness. We could have been brilliant.. 

Those chestnut brown eyes, those thin soft lips. Slight scratchy stubble of his. His silk hair. I fucking loved, no, love, Sam Winchester. 

Sam, Sam, my Sam. Moose.

His eyes shut, for he thought what would be for good. 

~Through the emptiness and dark, a sheer white hand covered Gabriel ~

With a gasp and a choke, he's back, he's back in his vessel, back in Sam's arms. Sam's eyes widened and he gasped, cutting through the silent air. 

"Gabriel, Gabe, hey, hey, oh thank God, oh my god." Sam wheezed out and squeezed Gabriel as close to him as he could. Gabe panted and gripped Sam's shirt in his fists and pressed his face into Sam's neck, his warm neck. 

"I've got you, I'm here. Are you with me?" Sam whispered, stroking Gabe's hair. 

"Good as ever, Moose." Gabe smiled a bit, still panting, and climbed into Sam's lap. With one large hand planted on the trickster's back, he was safe, safe now, it's okay. 

"Don't you ever do that to me again, I swear to God, Gabe, I'll drag you back myself." Sam cried and squeezed harder onto the smaller body fitted with his own body. 

"I won't, I'm sorry, so sorry, Sammy." Gabe whimpered and pressed his nose back into the warm neck. 

Dean cleared his throat quietly and looked at the pair on the ground beneath him. 

"I don't wanna break this lovefest up, but we gotta get home. Get you both warmed up and safe." With that, Sam lifted Gabe into his arms and carried him back to the impala, setting him down in the backseat. Sam climbed into the backseat as well, laying the trickster's head into his lap and petting his hair. 

"I need you here with me, okay? Don't ever forget that. Please." Sam whispered and Gabe nodded, flipping over to wrap his arms around Sam's warm torso. Driving home in comfortable and safe silence, the boys holding each other close after such a close call, Sam never let Gabe go and Gabe never let Sam go. 

They'll never let each other go. 

~We could be brilliant.. 

Are you with me, are you drifting through the doubt?

Are you in or are you out?

I need you here, I need you to stay strong

To remind me where I came from and where I belong,

So stay with me...~


	2. Fallen Angel

"Gabe, hey, we're almost back at the bunker." Sam's voice cracked through the archangel's drowsiness and the calloused, rough fingers in his hair grounded him. Upon opening his eyes, he saw the gag-worthy sight of red, staining Sam, his Sam, his pretty pretty Sammy. He sat straight up, gasping for air, and fell backwards from his place on Sam's lap in the Impala. 

"Gabriel, hey, hey, take a breath, okay?"

"Red, red, red, I see red, I saw red, Sammy, please-" Gabe struggled to feel his fingers, my fingers, where did they go, I can't feel them..

Sam furrowed his eyebrows and looked down, immediately seeing the blood and his eyes widened. 

"No, no, Gabe, it's just a scratch, okay, I'm okay, I promise, I promise, sweetheart."

"Red, red is bad, bad, very bad, very very bad, Sam, bad." Gabe's eyes widened painfully and tears sprang out, leaking down his golden face. Taking Gabe's hand and resting it over his chest, Sam breathed slowly. 

"I am okay, I'm still here. Dean, how much longer?"

"'Bout 5 minutes, Sammy, just try and hold on, okay?" Even Dean Winchester sounded worried himself. 

"Gabriel, hold onto me, okay? When we get home, we're gonna take a nice bath, get this all off and rest, okay? I promise. Just hold on." Gabe wheezed and panted, eyes going unfocused and fuzzy, so blurry, what's wrong with my eyes?

"Sammy, please..." Gabe begged, whimpering. Sam felt tears well up in his eyes, but he quickly shut them down. 

"I am not leaving you, okay? You're not gonna leave me either, I promise." Sammy turned and saw the Bunker, quickly unbuckling himself and running to Gabe's side of the car when Baby was parked. He opened the door and the angel spilled out onto the ground, groaning and whimpering. Sam scooped up the angel and raced inside, ignoring the oldest Winchester's questions. Gabriel wrapped his arms around the human's neck, staying as close as physically possible. 

~

"Sam, what happened?" A deep gravelly voice inquired from across the living room.

"Cas, I'll catch you up to speed later, but right now, I have to help Gabe, okay?" Sam said earnestly and turned towards their room, their own safe space, theirs only. Cas watched and was about to follow when he felt a calloused hand on his shoulder.

"Cas, baby, it's.. A long story. Let's get something to drink and let them handle it for now." Dean walked in and intertwined his hand with the angel's. Cas opened his mouth to object further, his brother was hurt, he needed to see him, to help, that's the least he could do, please, Dean..

Dean gently laid his hand on Cas' cheek and looked him the eyes, chasing away any worry present in the angel's face. 

"I promise, angel, they've gotta do this. I'll fill you in, but you gotta trust me on this, 'kay?" Dean spoke as soft as cotton and his hand grounding the angel's cheek, causing the angel to nuzzle further into the human's hand. Leading him out of the room, Dean wrapped one arm around the angel's waist and kept him as close as possible, knowing the role of events tonight could have been easily flipped. 

~

Sam kicked open the door to their safe space, still holding a trembling angel. He shut the door and locked it, sitting on the bed with the angel. Rough calloused fingers found their way back into the golden brown shorter hair, lightly massaging as they danced around the shorter male's head. 

"You're okay, I'm okay, I promise." Sam whispered and lightly kissed the top of the archangel's head. Gabe whimpered and clutched the front of Sam's stained shirt.

"Red... Very bad. Bad, bad, bad.." Sam frowned and rubbed his lover's back. 

"Why don't we take a bath, okay? Get warmed up and cleaned, and then we can rest, okay? One step at a time." Gabe, only scarcely nodding, began rocking a bit. Sam took it as a yes and left to go start the bath water, only to be stopped by a yelp. 

"I'll be right here, okay? I'm just gonna do start the water and we'll get in together, just you and me. Just you and me." Gabriel nodded, curling into himself, and hugged his knees as Sam raced to start the water and get some bath towels. Sam's heart sank seeing his angel like that, but pushed it down again. Can't break, can't shatter, not yet, not in front of him.

"Gabe, let's go take a bath, okay? I'm here with you, honey." Sam took his hand and gently lead them to the tub. What Gabe hadn't accounted for was the heat of the water, forgetting that humans need warm temperatures to thrive and not freeze, but warmth reminded him of the choking grasps of death, oh God-

"Gabe, baby, what is it? I can't help if you don't let me in, you've gotta wake up, sweetheart."

"Hot, too hot, gonna slip away, gonna go again, I don't wanna go, Sammy, don't let me go, please, please-"

Sam froze and then it hit him. He tried to keep Gabe warm, when, when...

"Okay, okay, it's okay. I'll make it colder and we can still get cleaned, okay? Thank you for telling me. " Gabe locked his eyes on the water and only barely nodded. Sam took action and filled it colder water, with some bubbles. 

"Can I help you get undressed, Gabe? I want to make sure there's nothing else I'll need to patch up, but only if you're comfortable." Gabe nodded again and began to take off his clothing, Sam helping him carefully. Sam gave him a once over and decided that Gabe will just need to be cleaned and carefully stripped his clothes off to reveal a gash on his hip from what looked to be a knife. Gabe gasped slightly and sucked in a breath. With what little Grace left he could muster, he held his hand over the bright red gash and healed it, best he could. Sam mumbled softly and pressed his large hand on the smaller's cheek. 

"All better. Let's get cleaned up, okay? I'll wash you and we can go to bed and rest up." Gabe nodded a bit more and waited for Sam to climb in the bath first and then sat himself between the larger's legs. Pressing his back against the warmer chest, he took slower breaths. After a while of silence, a croak broke out.

"I watched you hold my body..." Gabe whispered as Sam played with his hair again. Sam paused slightly and nuzzled his nose into the archangel's hair. 

"I was screaming and hitting this, window thing, to get to you, and I couldn't, I just, I could only watch you..." Gabe sobbed out quietly and Sam clutched him closer.

"I love you, Gabriel. It will be okay, you're here, and so am I. Right here. Your big ole' Moose, all yours." Sam whispered and calmed the smaller. Once the sobs turned into hiccups, Sam drained the water and carried the archangel out of the tub, dried them both off, and got them into PJ's. Carrying Gabe to their bed, all theirs, their soft bed, theirs, he laid down first and opened his arms for the smaller to crawl into. Pressing his face against the tan neck, Gabe inhaled softly, and listened for the heartbeat, his, Sam's, everyone's. Sam nuzzled his nose back into the smaller's hair and rubbed circles on his back. 

"Tomorrow, I will be here. Right here. Not going anywhere." Sam reassured softly, tears running down his face, finally. Gabe looked up and swiped his thumbs over the tan cheeks and leaned his forehead against Sam's.

"You'd better." Gabe whispered softly, closing his eyes, and cuddling into the taller's chest.


	3. Game of Survival

~Who's in the shadows, who's ready to play, are we the hunters, or are we the prey, there's no surrender...~

As the sun shone through the window, straight into Sam's eyes, his hazel eyes, he looked down to see a slightly trembling archangel in his arms. Slightly shifting, he ran his fingers along the sides of the smaller's hair and brushed it out of his face.   
Along with the trembling, came slight panting and whimpering, he's whimpering, he's so scared. 

"Gabe, hey, wake up, it's alright." Sam kissed the top of Gabe's head and gently tried to shake him, please wake up, please.

"P-please, no, please, let me go.." Gabe punched the front of Sam's chest with both of his fists and tried to back away, get away from me, please, please.

"No, no, ow, Gabe, hey, wake up, please?" Sam raises his voice and sat up, grabbing the smaller's face in his large hands. Erupting in a full blow-out scream, Gabriel fell off the bed and backed into the nearest corner, hugging his knees,   
~Sam protect me, please, please..~

Racing up and landing in front of the archangel, still a considerable distance away, he raised his hands in the air in surrender. 

"Gabe, hey, it's me. It's Sammy. Not Asmodeus. He's dead. It's just me, Sammy. Can I come closer?" Gabe opened his eyes slightly and panted, sniffling.

"Are you with me, Gabe?" Sam extended his hand to the archangel and waited.

Nodding, Gabriel launched himself into Sam's lap and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry, sorry." Gabriel cried out into Sam's neck and Sam braced a hand over the small of the trickster's back and his head. 

~And there's no escape, are we the hunters, or are we the prey...~

"You're okay. I got you." Sam whispered and held him, waiting for his breath to even back out. A small knock at the door made him jump, staring at the door. Laying Gabriel back in bed carefully, whispering promises of return, he opened the door hesitantly. 

"Sammy, what in the Hell is going on?" A gun-flaring, messy-haired, still-in-his-boxers, Dean Winchester grumbled out, now seeing there was no immediate danger. Lowering his gun and frowning, he took one look at Sam to see dark bags under his eyes.

"Gabriel had a nightmare, Dean, I'm sorry. I tried to help, I did, I tried." Sam whispered out and his brother gripped him in a hug. 

"It's okay, Sammy. You did your best, I know you did. It'll take some time, but he'll get better. I promise. You both went through a lot and you need to take care of yourself too." Dean clamped a hand on the younger's shoulder and walked away. Sam nodded and came back into his room to see the archangel still fast asleep, snoring slightly. Once he was relaxed enough, he convince himself to take a shower, get clean, and start over. 

~

~This is a wild game of survival, this is a wild game of survival...~

When the warm water hit his skin, Sam felt as though each and every worry was being rinsed off into the drain. He took the loofah off his hook in the shower and lathered it up with his lavender bodywash, scrubbing harshly over his chest. Breaking through the silence came a soft, quieter voice. 

"Don't hurt yourself, Moose." 

"Did I wake you up, Gabe? I'm sorry, I just wanted to get some of the sweat off and-"

In the middle of his apology, the shower door opened and Gabriel hugged the hunter from behind. 

"Please don't apologize for taking care of yourself." He whispered and pressed his cheek onto the warm back. 

"I'm sorry I woke you up with... that, this morning, Sammy." Gabe swayed slightly, still holding onto the taller. Sam turned around and wrapped his arms around the smaller and kissed the top of his head.

"Don't be sorry. I'm always here." Sam swayed slightly with him in his arms and smiled softly.

"Do you remember that time you egged me in the shower?" Sam chuckled and Gabriel smirked.

"Oh boy, do I remember. You were trying so hard to be pissed, but you were holding in laughter, I could tell. Besides, egg is good for that luxurious hair of yours." Gabriel smiled and gently pulled at the hair on Sam's head.

"I was pissed! Your egg-throwing hurt! I had weird shaped bruises for the next week and they weren't even the fun kind!" Sam widened his eyes giggling. Gabriel snickered and turned off the water. 

"Do you want the fun kind of bruises now?" Gabriel lowered his voice and Sam gulped. Jumping up and wrapping his legs around Sam's waist, he pressed a soft, gentle kiss against Sam's lips, waiting for permission to go further.

"Gabe.."

"Yes, Sam?"

"I kinda don't want to do anything like that right now, I would love to but uh.. My chest really hurts from uh..." Gabe looked down to see large bruises scattered on Sam's chest. Sam looked away and bit his lip.

"Sam, did I do that to you?" 

"In your nightmare, you were trying to fight off someone.. I know it wasn't your fault, babe, it really isn't. You didn't know." Sam reassuringly squeezed the back of the smaller's thighs and held him closer. Gabriel felt a wave of shame and guilt hit him like a train. If you had woken up when he told you to, if you had done what he asked, this wouldn't have happened, you-

"Stop. Stop beating yourself up, Gabe, I can practically hear it." Sam whispered and Gabe slightly nodded. Carrying him out and getting them both dressed, Gabe held onto Sam's hand while they walked into the Bunker's kitchen. They saw Dean there with a Kiss the Chef apron on and Cas sipping on his coffee at the table. Gabe snickered slightly and Dean glared.

"You make one comment, Gabriel, I will not hesitate to put kale in your pancakes."

"You're talking to the guy that could literally snap them out of my pancake and is also an angel banging a human." Sam choked on his coffee, Cas tilted his head, and Dean turned into a shade of red. 

"Dean.. What is banging?" Cas tilted his head more and Dean stuttered, murmuring about needing to flip some pancakes and some goddamn whiskey, where is the whiskey-

Satisfied, Gabriel smirked and giggled into his sugar-more-than-coffee mixture in his mug. Sam shook his head chuckling.

"You're such an ass sometimes." 

"Yeah, but at least my ass is your ass." Gabriel leaned his head innocently on Sam's arm and Sam blushed chuckling."

For once, they both finally felt okay. They could and will take the world on themselves. 

This is a wild game of survival...


End file.
